If the topic sounds ridiculous, that's because it is. Yet, this is my current life.
I'll give my story... keep in mind that all the details are not yet known as I'm only 4 days past D-Day.
Some quick background. We have been married almost 8 years. We have 3 kids, though only one is mine. The other 2 were from prior monogamous relationships. Our oldest 2 daughters are 15 and 12. My son is 6. We each own our business. Mine is an insurance agency and hers is a boutique fitness facility. Think CrossFit, but not. She also has a full-time career aside from the gym. The gym was a hobby that became an opportunity. It was a passion of hers to run a gym and the previous owners wanted to sell it. We bought it 3/16/2020. Within the week, we were shut down from COVID. Enter the beginning of the major stresses over the past year. I won't get into all those details.
My wife makes friends easily. And she made friends with a married couple from the gym. This was made easier because the husband was a pain management doctor and my wife suffers from some body pains due to her fitness lifestyle. She helped him and his wife become fit. He helped her with her pain.
Due to both of their busy lifestyles, he started performing chiro adjustments on her at his house. No big deal. He's a doctor and his wife is home and we're all friends. I was actually introduced to them through my wife, wrote their insurance policies, and started seeing him for my own pain management.
She started spending more and more time over there with them, however. Going over for movie nights that would last several hours, going running with him, smashing fruit in the desert with her, etc. And I started to get this odd feeling. But I couldn't say something because what was I going to say? I didn't feel comfortable with her having a new friend to hang out with who was married? And they were usually, if not always together... as far as I knew. Had I broached any kind of concern, it would have been met with anger.
Anyway, the past several months, even when she was with me she was on her phone. I know she has two demanding jobs and conducts business via phone, but she just always seemed more connected to other people. I started to have more and more doubts and thought there was something going on. So I started snooping. One night, last Sunday night to be exact, while my son was brushing his teeth and my wife was in the bath, I logged onto her computer and pulled up her facebook chats. I started reading the messages to this guy and realized that my fears were right. She was having an affair with this married man. I was furious, of course, and confronted her right away while she was in the bath. I walked in and told her that I can see everything she talks about on her computer. She asked why I was going on her computer in the first place and I told her it didn't matter because I was right. She actually agreed and dropped the privacy thing. And then proceeded to tell me that she has been lonely and that she got tired of trying to tell me and he was there for her and it developed from a friendship into love. She's now in love with him. I do all the early "no-no's" and tell her that she needs to cut off communication with them immediately and that I am going to tell his wife. That's when I found out that his wife, while she is unaware of the current sexual relationship, is complicit in this. They want my wife to join their family as a sister wife. She notices how much happier her husband has been since meeting and falling in love with my wife and actually greenlighted his courtship.
At this point, I am floored. The fact that this is real life is just bizarre and the fact that my very intelligent, strong, independent wife is considering this lifestyle is just nuts to me. She has a built-in best friend with the new lover. And I have the day-to-day baggage of a family and I've not been there for her (in her eyes) for a long time. She doesn't know what to do. So I back off for a day. Sunday night ends with me laying in the same bed but sleeping none. I don't go to work on Monday.
Monday she's off to work but I can't function. I'm a wreck. I forget what I did all day. It's a daze. But Monday night I know I wanted to talk and she wasn't ready. We shared some tears as I told her I loved her and that I wanted us to move forward. I didn't know, and still don't, if I could forgive her, but I wanted to try. I love her too much to just give up. I tell her all this. We take a break and watch some TV. An episode of The Office. In the final 2 minutes of the episode, this whore Cathy talks about trying to seduce married Jim while they're away at work, and I can't help but comment. She gets mad, storms off, and sleeps on the couch.
Tuesday, I go to work, but I can't stay there. I'm talking to people and doing research and I just want to talk to my wife. I come to realize that my demands for immediate NC are perhaps premature and unrealistic. I'm asking her to give up a best friend and someone she loves when she doesn't know what she wants yet. So I make a list of boundaries I think I can live with and I text her that I've done so and want to have a non-antagonistic talk about a few things. She agrees. So after the kids are put to bed, I explain that I am not going to demand she flip that switch yet but I lay out my boundaries, being careful to note that they are suggestions, and that she is free to agree, disagree, or submit some of her own:
1) I will not be watching the kids to facilitate your time with them.
2) Complete honesty, even if it hurts. If I ask if you were with him today, you tell me.
3) I want you to stop sleeping with him and only choose me. But if you can't stay out of his bed, you need to use protection. And the same with me if you choose to sleep with me.
4) Do not detract time from our relationship to pursue that one.
5) We need to start seeing a counselor, at least to begin to understand each other and see where things can go. If we can reconcile, we can pursue that. If we can't, we can pursue divorce.
6) That family can not share the space at the same time as me. They will not be in my house and we will not be at joint functions together.
7) Be kind to each other. Think about how what we say will be heard and felt by the kids.
She agreed to all of this. She was super embarrassed about the safe sex part, not wanting to discuss it at all but asking to move past it, but did agree to it all.
Wednesday, we had a meeting with the pool builder for our new home (we close in a month on a new build...) and she talked about the future of our home, her excitement of living in it, and definitely discussed us being in it together. So she has that image in her head. She also specifically said in her agreement the previous night that if she was ready to give up on us she would have already left. So there's something there, but we haven't begun getting professional help yet. It was a great day though, and we even made love that night. It felt different than it did over the past year. She was more into it and involved. But she still refused to kiss me (haven't kissed during sex in years...).
Thursday, yesterday, was a good day. I was off work (regularly off on Thursdays), spent the day with her, but we didn't really get to talk about anything much.
Today is Friday. The day of her regular movie nights with them, and I am terrified that she is going to go there. I am hoping she chooses not to. That she realizes that's a bad decision. But my anxiety today is through the roof because this one decision could be huge for us. If she chooses to stay with me tonight, I know she cares about my feelings. If she chooses to go with them tonight, I know she is still in a fantasy land and not thinking about what she is doing to me.
I keep reading about consequences and NC demands and I haven't done that. I haven't banned contact yet. I have made it clear that I expect that eventually, but I'm giving her some time to process and think through. I want her to engage logic in realizing what is involved in her decisions. I want her to choose me. I don't want to trap her into it. Every day, I face new problems with how to effectively communicate with her without going too far. I think I've done a decent job so far but last night when I asked her to lay with me to watch TV, she told me she felt smothered. I backed off.
I think there's probably a lot I'm missing but this whole thing has been a nightmare of a week. I hate this man and his wife, but I'm being forced to keep this secret for my wife's protection.
